Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

This made me chuckle.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?