Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

I’ve disappointed better people.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!