Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I’m hunting wabbits…

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.