Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241