I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
You Might Also Like
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”