Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.