Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

hmm conte-me mais

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

What number SPF blocks people?

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.