Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Well, shit

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

seems like a niche market

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away