every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
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Lmao
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
ready to be harvested
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
road rage
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.