every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

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Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.


Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.


*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*


The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.


I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine


[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?


A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?


Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.


Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.


as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money