@relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

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@RorynotRoy

Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.

@BoomBoomBetty

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

@JasonLastname

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@Sean_Burgundy_

I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine

@ObscureGent

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

@heatherlou_

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

@sarcasticmommy4

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@lgbk44

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money