Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table