Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS