Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.