Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.