Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

December birthdays be like…

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles