Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

The asteroid..

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

I’d use my best pan on you.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.