Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
i can’t wait that long
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.