Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Bond. Trauma bond.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?