Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.