Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

me after eating Cheetos

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

my first day as a raccoon

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.