[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Me checking my bank balance online.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Ken is short for chicken
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.