Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.