every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
So, can we agree on 4 or
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
good morning
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.