every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.