Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.