Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Truly one of the great bangers

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.