Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.