Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave