Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.