Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
You Might Also Like
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.