Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.