Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[shakes fist at other fist]
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely