Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.