Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?