Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
me, after any kind of buffet.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad