Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg