Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.