Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

A leaf blower, but for people.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.