Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?