every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Friday night party time 🥳
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home