Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.