Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
