Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.