Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

adding to the discourse

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

britain’s three elite institutions

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.