Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.