Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

😂

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business