every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Wait a minute
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Spring of Deception
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I stand by it
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.