Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute