Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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I missed you with all my darts
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Cow it started Cow it’s going
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
This joke is 7 years old
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath