@brendohare

Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I’d be more upset if it wasn’t saving me time in the morning

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@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@OneFunnyMummy

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

@DanMentos

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

@doktorj

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

@jellybnbonanza

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

@lecalabara

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

@ramblinma

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

@NYC_Blonde

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs