Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’d use my best pan on you.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em