Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing