Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
5 ways to appear taller
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.