Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Seems a bit forward

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.