Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Rambo Rambow
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.