Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
You Might Also Like
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy