Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
March 16
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business