Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

watching gymnastics

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

me and the Superbowl rn

just gave your address to some spiders

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Meat Cute

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies