Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

We decided to have money instead of children.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table