Him: I got a 69 on my test
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
someone clearly didn’t think this through
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*Sits straight up in bed*
*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*