“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.