Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
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I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”