Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Why I divorced her.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
This is sending me to another galaxy
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY