@BiIIMurray

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.

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@robots_feel

date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor

@uncle_fescue

Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.

@trentistweeting

[feeding baby]
Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk

@djdarrellripley

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

@FrakkingAwesome

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@TrainedHedonist

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no