Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.

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date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor


Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.


[feeding baby]
Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk


I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.


The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.


Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.


Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no