Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
the rocks need my help
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.