every olympics i turn into this guy
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
What if all the cashiers are married?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.