Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks