Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

rip to my favourite tweet

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now