Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.