Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
i want to work in this restaurant
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do