Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨