Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
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Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
🙂🙃🥹
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.