every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Morning my dudes.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
you gotta be faster
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.