every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no